Working on "Jonathan's Adventure: Bickery Edition."

Doing your mom.

Mikado, Japan

Joined on 7/3/20

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Latest News


Diesel Busters: "Hello and welcome to Nowhere News, the country where the sun does not shine, but instead, where the moon always shines on.

On today's report, police has demanded a wanted criminal named 'Jonathan Patchman,' a criminal who was charged with originally with Drug Trafficking, Drug Manufacturing and Cultivation, and Drug Possesion. However, those charges was within a trial he managed to escape from. Police are actively searching this criminal, as they provided this mugshot of the criminal.


If you do see this criminal, please contact local authorities immediately.

Our next story is-Oh? Breaking news, a man named Alex Desperate has declared that he will find Jonathan Patchman within a public speech. We'll cut to the public broadcast right away."

Alex Desperate: "Jonathan, you bitch ass motherfucker. I'mma send you to prison and once I see that ugly mutt face of yours, I'll be using the said money for my college loans so I can stay away from my whore ass mother. You're a piece of shit that deserves to rot in prison."

Amelia Jr. Desperate: "Aleeeexxxx... Kabi wants to be in the public speech, she said so in the phone call I'm having."

Alex Desperate: "Amelia, I don't know about you, but this isn't the time to-"


Zane Desperate twerks in front of the audience and the camera. Vivid disgust ensues.

Alex Desperate: "Oh my God, Mom! Stop being a horny fuck whilst I'm doing my speech!"

Zane Desperate: "But Alex, can't the world know that [A very long beep silences what she's saying.] and that I want Adam back?"

Alex Desperate: "Dad's not gonna come back if you're just gonna act like a cam whore on PUBLIC TELEVISION!!"

Zane Desperate: "But I want Adaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam..."

???: "Hey... what the hell are you two doing?"

Zane Desperate: "Oh my God, it's a fox bitch! I need to activate my defense mechanisms!"

Zane does this so-called "defense mechanism" by twerking. Some people audibly vomit.

Diesel Busters: "Oh no... I think I'm gonna be sick, somebody call another anchor, I'm going to ruin the set on TV if I don't get out!"

Diesel immediately dashes out of the set, resisting the vomit to come out to prevent the studio's janitors from having a field day to clean his mess. A intermission is played out, while the studio scrambles to find Diesel's replacement.

Sylvester Weber: "Ugh... Don't you love it when some cunt on live Telly just shakes her own moneymaker? The utter audacity, mate...

Yes, this is me, Sylvester Weber. Yes, I'm related to that guy named Nerd, who happens to be my younger brother.

So what Diesel Busters was saying is that the next story is all about the missing ice cream that was stolen from a local donut shop. Police investigations has led to that the stolen ice cream was taken to an apartment complex in Room 413, but investigations in Room 413 are yet to be revealed. Some rumors say that the alleged room is haunted and that is not like any other room in the complex. Once you entered the room, the exit isn't the same door as you came in, but that's what the rumors say."

A mysterious snake-like entity dashes around silently whilst Sylvester speaks.

Camera Man: "...Did anybody see that?"

Sylvester Weber: "Camera man, this isn't the time for chatterboxes. This is live television."

Camera Man: "Could've sworn I saw something..."

Sylvester Weber: "And that's all of what we've presented today. This is me, Sylvester Kruger, and Diesel Busters, signing off.

You, camera man. what did you saw?"

Camera Man: "I-I just saw somebody... it was pink?"

Sylvester Weber: "Pink what?"

As the Camera Man describes what the monster looks like, it sneakily arises over Sylvester.

Camera Man: "P-Pink reptile thing? I think it wears something like the kids like."

Sylvester Weber: "And exactly what does it wear-"

The monster grabs Sylvester Kruger hard and escapes, the Camera Man hastily records the event within his cell phone.


As the Camera Man chases the monster, the monster gets away from him by the step easily and passes through the door. Once the Camera Man sees the outside world, the monster is out of sight.


Will Zane ever regain her family's love? Will Camera Man ever confess his love to Sylvester Weber? Will Sylvester Weber ever be seen again? Who is his kidnapper? And most importantly, will Zane publicly acknowledge what she's done wrong in the world of journalism?! Find out on the next issue of Nowhere News!

...Which is probably the next news post with a date as its subject.

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